Sometimes I just have so many thoughts that go through my brain. There are so many things I want to do and not enough time. Many nights I lay awake in bed until 4am because I cannot sleep because my brain will not turn off.
I have all these creative ideas.
I want to paint. I want to knit. I want to practice calligraphy. I want to actually use my Journaling Bible and all the other millions of craft supplies I have purchased over the years.
Then I have all these “business” ideas.
I want to create a course. I want to blog for business. I want to help people who can’t afford to pay me (or anyone) with budgeting and bookkeeping. I want to help women business owners with their bookkeeping. I want to help them understand that bookkeeping isn’t just for April 15th and that they need to look and review everything year round so they can make big business decisions. I want to create a business that can help grow my family and sustain us for the long-term.
I want to have a good healthy marriage.
I want to create a prayer routine with my husband. I want to have a family. But we’re scared at the same time. I want to have fun and not always be so stressed out and serious all the time. I want to actually be on time for mass. I want to be able to discuss our dreams and plans together. I want to not complain so much. I want to be happy.
Somedays I want to abandon the life I have and go help others in other countries. Not that being a missionary would be any easier than the current life I have. But there are days I feel like something is missing from my life but I don’t know what it is. I miss doing ministry. But I don’t know what ministry I want to help with anymore.
My mom worked or volunteered for the church for most of my life and I always helped her teach classes and do different things. Now that she doesn’t work there and doesn’t even attend the same church as me I feel so lost. I don’t know what ministry to help with or where to go. I feel like I want a change and go to a different parish for mass some weekends but my husband doesn’t understand why I’d do such a thing.
I’m tired of going to a church with boring music. I’m tired of going to the cathedral that sees the music as a concert and not prayer. I miss being able to sing songs I am familiar with and can actually sing along to. I long for a good praise and worship or life teen mass….which I know a lot of people HATE and think isn’t liturgically correct but that brought me closer to the church in my teen and college years and it’s the one thing I miss the most.
I’m not sure what the answer is for any of these things but I felt like I needed to write them down somewhere. Since this is my safe space on the internet to write I thought I would brain dump my thoughts.