I’m going to be real in this post and not hide behind a screen that everything is okay. Because really it’s not as pretty as it looks.
The last few months and really probably years I’ve really struggled with loneliness. I feel so alone in the world. I feel like I’m too weird to have any real friends. I get forgotten by people all the time. People seem too busy to talk to me. They don’t answer my emails, phone calls, text messages, facebook messages, or tweets. People don’t ever remember me. I’m afraid of offending people or being too sarcastic or weird I don’t say much when I am with people. I’ve had to move a lot and I can’t afford to live where I know people or where people my age actually live.
I HATE going to mass alone. I hate it so much some weeks I pretend to be in bed sick so I can get out of going without feeling bad about it. I don’t know that I’ll ever meet someone or get married. The only dates I end up going on end up being with crazy men that make me never want to date again.
My life at 28 isn’t anything what I thought it would be when I was younger. I always thought by now I’d be married with maybe a baby. I’d have tons of friends I could talk to all the time..or at least a husband to talk to. I wouldn’t have to work because I’d be home with the kids and my husband had a good job. Or I’d have a job that was so fulfilling it wouldn’t bother me to work. I like what I do but it’s not what I went to school for. There are days I loved my college experience so much I wish I could go back because back then I had a thriving social life and spiritual life. And there are times I regret it because of all the debt I received by going without job prospects that have allowed me to pay any of it back.
Instead I graduated into a crippling economy with older employers that seem to hate millennials, college education, and only care about the millions of years of experience people have. At 28 it’s impossible to have 10 years experience doing an entry level job. Sorry just not happening.
I’m grateful for my internet life and my online friends but it doesn’t replace the panging loneliness I deal with day in and day out. People say that relationships can’t change the loneliness and that needs to change within you but right now I feel like my lack of relationships and things to do is why I’m lonely. Whatever you don’t have to agree with me.
What I’m going to do to fix this I have no idea at this point but in 2015 I think I’m going to throw myself into my work and at least try and make more money to get rid of some debt. I want to create a better working schedule so my work isn’t so sporadic. I think I might look into renting a co-work space so I’m not always having to work at home and have an office space to work. Even though it’ll be about $100-$200 a month it might be worth it as a place to go to and be able to work and be productive and maybe meet some people who work a similar job as I do. I’ve gone back and forth on it for a few months and some say they are worth it and others say they are a waste of money. You don’t sign a contract so if I don’t like it I don’t have to go back.
I really want to do a lot of traveling in 2015. I’m planning on going to St. Louis in May for the Stubenville Young Adult Conference. I really need a retreat and I really wanted to go to that this year but it was literally right when I came back from Europe and didn’t think it was a good idea. My diocese has a Eucharistic Congress in March that I’ll attend as well. Cardinal Dolan is speaking and I’m going to get to meetup with some twitter friends which will be fun!
I’m going to NY in February to visit family and to go to the cemetery that I’ve been wanting to do for awhile. And in June my whole family and cousins (about 10 of us) are going on a cruise to the Bahamas and then spending a week at the beach. In October I’m going to a retreat/meetup with some online friends and I really want to go to a blogging conference somewhere between there but I haven’t decided which conference to go to. I might go up to Atlanta for their Eucharistic Congress and the CNMC as well but I haven’t decided and am waiting for more information to be posted before I make any decisions on that. And as soon as the pope announces his papal mass schedule for next fall I’ll be making a plan of some sort to attend a papal mass either in NY, DC, or FL (there are rumors he’ll come down here for the 450th anniversary but nothing has been confirmed).
So in the end I guess I have a lot to look forward to next year even though I’m still struggling with the cross of being lonely and being bored 80% of the time. And the constant struggle of being an older single in a family/couple oriented world/society. One day I’ll look back at this season and be thankful for these lessons even though they seem like such a crappy set of circumstances at the moment.
Ruth Ann says
Beth Anne, I am astounded at your honesty, and I appreciate it. I was attracted to read it because of the graphic. My life is not at all as I planned it when I was a young person, so I can at least relate to that element. I’ve had a half century plus to ruminate about it, and in all honesty I can say from Scripture, “All things work together unto good.” It’s just that at times one can’t see the truth of that, and even if one can see it, it isn’t a lot of consolation.
Here is a very good prayer that I recommend. It’s not a “cure” for any unhappiness you may have, but I hope it will inspire you. It was written by a spiritual writer who was born in 1915, almost a hundred years ago. His name is Thomas Merton.
” My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
Finally, Beth Anne, I think your plans for the new year are very good and I pray that you will see them through.
Ruth Ann recently posted…Advent 2014: Gospel in Week 4, Cycle B
Thank you for the poem/prayer. I am going to post it on my wall and read it often.
BethAnne recently posted…NAS: Day in the Life
Amanda L. says
This sounds so much like me. Well except I’m older. A lot older. I had always thought I would be married with kids by now too. I have no real friends and feel like an outsider. And I hate going to church by myself as well. I could go on.
I am hoping to restart my blog in the new year, but will go back to tumblr.
You aren’t alone in your feelings. And hang in there on the job. I was unemployed & underemployed for over 2 years before I finally got hired for a job I was way overqualified for.
Thanks for the sweet comment. I know it’s all part of the journey but man sometimes it’s rough and I’m impatient!